TRICKY DICKY: CHAPTER THREE

Tricky Dicky wrenched the dildo from my hands. “Now look here,” he said, unrolling his window. “This is what I like to do when I see a car of college girls coming. I can spot a car load of them girls a mile away.” He slung one end of the dildo out the window while holding the other end in his lap. The wind whipped it up and I could hear it thumping against the side of the truck. Genius, I thought. Those college girls were sure to be wanting some of that. He took his other hand off the wheel and began making a jerking-off gesture. He laughed, eyes darting between Lori and I, grabbing hold of the wheel just as we started swerving into the other lane.
“Wow, that’s quite a trick; being able to lasso that thing while keeping the truck on the road!” I shouted, hoping for the power of suggestion.
“Oh, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!” he said.
Good God!  In the name of all that is Sacred and Holy get us the fuck out of here, I thought. Or did I say it out loud...
“You know,” I said,  “as entertaining as that is, all I can think about is how hungry we are; we haven’t eaten all day. Right, Lori, aren’t you starving?”  I kicked the hell out of her seat, overriding my hesitation to scuff up the toes of my brand new Uggs any more than they already were.  Who knew what could be smeared on the back of that seat?  I loved my Uggs, but let’s face it, once they were marred or stained, that was it.
“Yeah, I’m starving,” Lori mumbled.
“So,” I continued, “my sister is planning a huge breakfast for us and the Efland exit is just a few exits up, right?”
“Well, why didn’t you say y’all was hungry? Tricky Dicky isn’t going to let you go away hungry! I’m gonna get y’all breakfast at one of the best truck stops in North Carolina. I could use a little sumthin-sumthin myself.”
“Oh,” I said, “that’s awfully nice of you, but like I said, my sister is fixing us a welcome breakfast...”
He slammed on the brakes and turned on the right turn signal.  A huge sign ahead said “The Flying J! Best ham biscuits in the whole U.S! Cheapest gas! Breakfast all day!”  We flew into the parking lot, brakes hissing and farting, and pulled up next to one of many tractor trailers. The Flying J. appeared to be in full swing.  Tricky Dicky hopped out and came around and opened Lori’s door.
“After you, my darlin’,” he said, bowing. Lori took his hand and climbed down. We have to make a break for it, I thought, looking around. The parking lot was illuminated but, other than the restaurant, there didn’t seem to be anything else around. I climbed down, ignoring the helping hand. God knows where that hand has been, I thought.
The parking lot resembled a huge tail-gate party. Truckers milled around holding steaming cups of coffee and biscuits tucked into greasy wax paper pockets. Music played in the background; we appeared to have landed in country heaven.
“That’s my favorite song right there,Take Me Away,”  said Tricky Dicky.  “Sofie Montana can take me anywhere her little heart desires!”
I sensed another coughing fit coming on. A huge phlegm ball flew out of his mouth and splattered on the blacktop next to my feet. “Hey,” he said, wiping his mouth with his sleeve, “I read in one of them star papers that Miss Sophie has a daughter named Berkely that must be about your age.” He looked me up and down.  “I bet she’s not as fine as you are though.”
“Well,” I said, “Actually, that’s me. Sophie Montana is my mom.”  I shot Lori a look of steel.
“Get outta town!” he yelled, “Stick a fork in me and call me done! C’mon, you ain’t really, are you?” He started jumping up and down like an excited toddler.
“Yeah,” I said, “that would be me.”
“Well, why the hell didn’t you say so!” he said. “Here I’ve been actin’ a fool!”
“Um, I didn’t really want to say anything. You know...Maybe now you can understand how important it is for us to get to my sister’s. We’re planning to surprise Mom.”
“I’ll be damned! Your mama is here? Right now?”
“Well...she’s not actually here yet,” I stammered, “but, you know, when she gets here she’ll have all kinds of security guards and police following her. They keep tabs on our whole family.”
He grabbed my arm and steered me toward the restaurant. “C’mon,” he said, “I gotta hear this over some sausage gravy. I can’t believe that I have a real live celebrity in my midst; darlin’ ain’t this somethin’!”
The lights inside were way too bright and it was way too crowded for the middle of the night.  Aisles were crammed full of racks of Moon Pies and jerky; burlap sacks of country ham hung from twine. Rows of shellacked baby alligator heads with their jaws frozen open sat next to an array of charming bumper stickers like “Ass, Grass or Gas, Nobody Rides For Free.”  Looks like I’ll be filling up the tank, I thought, cause this ass is going nowhere near that crazy motherfucker and, unfortunately, Lori and I had smoked our last joint hours ago. Speaking of Lori, where the hell was she? I spotted her across the store rifling through a bin of God-knows-what. I made a beeline for her while Tricky Dicky dialed his cell phone.
“What the hell are you doing?” I whispered. “In case you haven’t noticed we’ve been trapped in pervert hell with Jethro here, not to mention his amazing talking dildo, and you’ve just sat there saying nothing! And now you’re shopping?”
“But look!” said Lori, holding up an Elvis paint-by-number. “How cool is this? And it’s black light activated!”
“Get a grip!” I said, grabbing the Elvis from her and throwing him back in the bin. “We need to get out of here, seriously.” I scanned the store for Tricky Dicky but didn’t see him anywhere. “Let’s go to the bathroom and figure out what we’re going to do.”
“But what about our stuff?” said Lori. “All of our stuff is in his truck; I have the quilt Grandma made me rolled up in my bag.”
“You what?” I asked. “Oh, never mind,” I said, taking her by the arm, “just come on.”
I had to admit that my heart shrank when I thought about abandoning my beloved Latchel, not to mention everything that was in it. My heart-shaped rose colored glasses, a la Elton John were in there, wrapped up in my favorite purple sheepskin boa. I had begged for the glasses; throwing a toddler tantrum until I got them.  I’d be damned if I’d leave them behind.
“Let’s just find the bathroom and regroup,” I said.