LABOR AND DELIVERY PART II

I felt a sense of panic watching the current of water rush under the bed. Was my daughter in danger; was this the emergency that they had talked about? But how much of an emergency could it be if I was already in the hospital? Stunned by the sheer volume of water I just sat on the edge of the bed, completely still. “My goodness!” exclaimed Crunchy Curls, still cheery even when splashed with amniotic fluid. “Let’s get you up and get these sheets changed!”  I scooted my behind off the bed, the sheet sticking to me like tape. Again, I had to turn and weave as not to tangle the mess of tubes and wires that wound around my body.
Climbing back into a clean bed, I was about to ask to speak to the Dr. on call when my midwife, Maureen, burst through the door. “Oh, thank God you’re here!” I said, sitting up.
“Wouldn’t have missed it for the world,” she winked at me. “So, I heard that I just missed Niagara Falls,”  she laughed.
“Oh my God!” I said, “you wouldn’t have believed it! It just kept coming and coming. Then it stopped for a minute and then started gushing again. Now I’m worried about the baby. What if she’s shriveling up as we speak, totally dehydrated?”
Maureen washed her hands and snapped a pair of latex gloves to loosen them up. “Let’s have a look and see what’s going on,” she said, pulling the gloves on.  “And no, the baby is not shriveling up as we speak. Let’s have a reality check, please. So, lay back and let’s see how dilated you are.”
I hated this; having what felt like a whole hand shoved up my vagina was more pressure on my insides than I felt I could stand. I began to panic. If I couldn’t deal with a whole hand then how was I going to deal with an entire baby morphing her way into reality via my vagina? I was getting scared and my belly started to cramp under the urging of Maureen’s probing fingers.
“Okay, honey,” she exclaimed, extracting her hand and pulling off the gloves, “you’re moving right along at 7 cm. You’re doing just great.”
I actually wasn’t feeling just great and I felt my determination to remain positive starting to fray at the edges.  “I want to get up and move around,” I snapped. “And where the hell is John?”
“Oh, is here here?” she asked, feigning surprise. It was no secret that she wasn’t particularly fond of him, although she had never said it aloud. However, before all was said and done she would have gladly strangled him if I had only given the word. Talk about a missed opportunity!
“He didn’t say that he was going anywhere,” I said. “In fact, I don’t remember seeing him since my water broke.” Apparently, Crunchy Curls had also left in the melee. Maybe they slipped out together, I thought.
“Whatever,” I said. “I need to move around a little.” Just as I started to get up I was stopped dead in my tracks by the most intense cramping/contraction in my gut that I had ever felt. I don’t even really know how to describe it. Steak knife to belly? No. Someone reaching up inside you and grabbing stuff, willy-nilly and yanking as hard as they could? No. Having a Satanic Monster use all their might to squeeze your uterus in a vise-grip? Nope; not even! I yelled out my first in a series of “Holy shits” and rolled around the bed. Maureen came over and took my hand and told me to squeeze and breathe. I vaguely remember her having me drape myself over the head of the bed while she massaged my lower back; her feeding me ice chips; her rubbing my forehead. I remember uttering nothing but the occasional “Holy shit.” The minutes turned into hours of paralyzing contractions and  a total disconnection from time and place.  Had it been a long time? What time was it and how did that relate to anything? How long had I been in the hospital? It was about 3 a.m.; I had been there since 7 a.m. of the previous day.
Finally, Maureen told me that I had to get up and try to pee. “You haven’t peed in a long time and I want you to try.”
Once on the toilet, I felt frozen in place. I couldn’t move and certainly couldn’t pee. Suddenly, I felt the most intense pressure around my anus that I had ever even begun to feel (not counting the time that I was talked into trying anal sex with a ridiculously well-endowed partner....) and cried out, “Oh my God! It feels like there’s a Redwood coming out of my ass!! Help me!”
Maureen burst out laughing and informed me that while it wasn’t likely a Redwood, it was most certainly my daughters head. I put my hand between my legs and felt hair. I screamed, certain that I had entered "Rosemary’s Baby" territory.
Penguin walking, I made it back to the bed just in time for Round 1 of “It’s Time to Get Those Feet into Stirrups Bingo.”  I knew I should have done those damn thigh exercises, I thought, legs spread eagle, thigh muscles taut as guitar strings.
“Here she comes!” exclaimed Maureen. “Reach down and feel her little head.” Given my girth and the position I found myself in, that invitation was a little too Twister for me and I flopped back against the bed, gritting my teeth. Never had I felt such an unconscious urge to push. It was as if my life depended on it.
“Go ahead and push,” urged Maureen. “Give it all you’ve got!”  I held my breath and pushed, my face growing red as a beet and pressure building to a bursting point inside my head. Guttural screams escaped my lips and I was sure that not only was I starring in a remake of "Rosemary’s Baby," but maybe a double feature including "The Exorcist" as well...
“Here come her shoulders!” said Maureen, holding a mirror so that I could see. This was the first glimpse of my daughter and I was once again stopped dead in my tracks, only this time not from pain but from a love so instant and intense that I burst into tears. Gripped by an all-consuming urge to push again, I hunkered into it and my daughter came flying out of my body like a football thrown by the star quarterback. Startled, Maureen fumbled with her slippery body and just barely caught her, purple and wailing. In total disbelief, I held out my arms and held my wriggling daughter for the first time. She was sticky and wet, bloody and misshapen, and the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She still is.